As I sit here trying to focus on my task at hand the only thing I can think of are the 25 other things I want to get started on.
Is there really a way to control my random thoughts by not compromising how I think or who I am?
Are there really too many things racing through my head at once or is that just me finding an excuse to explain my confusion?
These questions can only be answered by myself yet I am the only person that is asking how to solve them...does that make sense to you? Does my intelligence overcome my focus? Is it possible I am too smart for my own mind? Or am I just, yet again, making up excuses for my self confusion. Is it just my mind conflicting with my final decisions?
Do I need to see a therapist or do I just need to stop worrying?
Why do I worry?
Let's start there; why do I worry?
I think I worry because of what I have seen happen to intelligent people that lose track of themselves. I find it easy to work on 100 things at once but I don't like to do it. Is that strange? Something I find so easy to do is the exact problem that makes it hard.
I mean on one hand I should feel blessed to be able to multi-task so well and know wholeheartedly that everything I ever do will be a success but selfishly I find this to be a hindrance.
It was her that made me see that my abilities to be successful as a gift and that I shouldn't look at them as a hindrance, but she was an alcoholic with an intellect that I could never rival. So was this her sober genius talking to me or her stubborn drunken self just saying what she can to shut me up?
Do I believe her? After she told me I was never meant to be? I want to believe what she says and trust in the security in her words but I can't. Is that a problem with me or have I just been emotionally abused so much that what she says gets rejected by my conscious self almost immediately?
I have recently met an individual that rivals my unknown intelligence and challenges my thoughts and myself. This I like very much. Does that mean I have an attraction to confrontation? I know what I speak of is not confrontational but could it be? Is that the reason I find this individual so intriguing? I asked myself this last night as I lay in bed watch "Red Dragon"; a psychological thriller. Sidenote; great movie. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that my intrigue toward this individual is not based on confrontation but yet based on intelligence. I get very tired of people very quickly but I am not tired of this person. That on one hand is an amazing feat for me but on the other hand somewhat has me asking myself if I am okay knowing that there is someone out there that can break down these walls so easily. Walls that I have worked very hard and have gone through so much to be able to have. Most would see this as a problem, they would be worried. I myself feel that I am excited. I look forward to learning from this person and bettering myself based on their ideas and thoughts.
I am fanatic about bettering myself, about finding my next challenge and about making myself a great person.
Many will say I am a great person now, the only problem is, many of these people have never known me and frankly, they never will...I am not saying I am bad person but we all have our faults, mine have just been vast...What do you think?
"Defined in psychological terms, a fanatic is a man who consciously over-compensates a secret doubt"
Aldous Huxley
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